How to get started with family rules

One of my projects for 2017 has been to set some clear rules and try to avoid too many unnecessary discussions, as someone in the house is quickly starting to excel when it comes to negotiating techniques.

I’ve been delighted to get a step by step guide from parenting expert Melissa Hood, founding director of The Parent Practice, on how to get started with family rules, part of which is from her book Real Parenting for Real Kids:

1. Tackle one area at a time and don’t necessarily start with the most troublesome hotspot in the house, since you want everyone to feel successful.

2. Have a family meeting and start with acknowledging something good about each person. State your values in this area. “We the Smith family believe that everyone has a useful contribution to make to the family and that everyone wants to do their best. This household will run much more smoothly if everyone does a job.” Descriptively praise contributions already being made.

3. Ask for input from the kids about how this can be done and record the ideas. If any don’t work explain why gently.

4. Set rules framed in positive language. Children’s brains process positive instructions more efficiently than negatives. Instead of “no balls in the house” say “balls are for outside”. Instead of “no iPad until after homework” say “homework before screentime.”

5. Ensure rules are reasonable for the child, given their stage of development.Ask yourself is my 2-year-old capable of sitting still at the dinner table until everyone else has finished eating? Can my 6-year-old son sit still without fidgeting for the whole of homework time (30 minutes)? Is my disorganised 11-year-old going to be able to remember his sports kit without support from an adult?

6. Have a system for recording successes with these rules. We recommend having a jar into which you put a token like piece of pasta every time the rules are followed. If a rule is broken do it again correctly or make amends.

7. Even if the rule is reasonable and for the benefit of your child then it’s still to be expected that your child will not like the rule sometimes. You can explain the purpose of the rule once, and thereafter empathise that they wish it were otherwise. Help your child learn to deal with disappointment, frustration and feeling powerless.

8. Ensure the follow through is positive. That means acknowledging when they’re doing the right thing and when a rule is broken consider why that happened. If your daughter screwed up her homework because she was frustrated or feeling inadequate then talk to her with compassion about those feelings before requiring her to redo the work.

London’s parenting course provider The Parent Practice runs regular parenting courses and parenting workshops in Clapham, Chelsea, Barnes, the City and Earlsfield and upcoming courses include 5-week and 10-week positive parenting courses and workshops on topics like Raising boys – Channelling physicality, encouraging cooperation and boy discipline and Raising girls – Friendships.

Tags: Family, Family life, Melissa Hood, Parenting, Rules, The Parent Practice