Parenting expert Melissa Hood talks mood swings
The other day I booked an extra one-week holiday in the sun for Baby Boy, Big Girl and me. I figured we might as well make the most of the school holiday although Daddy T can only come for a weekend. I can’t wait for the long school holiday and travelling with the kids–but I just need to ensure everyone is not only on their best behaviour but also in a good mood. Apart from simply keeping my fingers crossed, I’ve also enjoyed learning about parenting from Melissa Hood.
Melissa is the co-founder of London parenting course provider The Parent Practice and author of new parenting book Real Parenting for Real Kids (£16.99) and here are her top tips on one important topic for the summer holiday – mood swings:
Does your child have big tantrums that seem to come out of nowhere or have meltdowns over really trivial things or go into sulks at the slightest provocation? You have an emotionally intense child. Du-uh, you say! The child who feels hurt intensely can also feel great tenderness and excitement and can experience wonder, joy and passion on a big scale. This child can take others with them in their positive feelings as well as the negative ones.
This is their personality. They oscillate between emotions faster than you can keep up. Trying to change them may be futile and may give them the message that they are wrong to be who they are. But it can be exhausting living with such mood swings –and not just for you. Everyone benefits if your child learns to manage their emotions, that is get some perspective about them and vent them constructively.
No feelings are wrong. This can be hard us to remember when Max (4) is having a meltdown when you’ve said no to sweets. Behaviours may need to be redirected but the feeling itself is just neutral. Telling him “I don’t care that you want sweets you just can’t have them and you have to learn that you can’t have everything you want” will leave him feeling that he is a bad person or that his feelings don’t matter (ie he doesn’t matter). Bad people behave badly. It’s ok for him to want the sweets even if he can’t have any today. Sometimes adults think the feelings are out of proportion. Try to see it from your 4 year old’s perspective. He has no power. The adults say what to do all the time.
Behind every poor behaviour is a feeling. What is it? Emily (6) is having a strop because dad thought her drawing was a flower and it’s really a butterfly. She’s frustrated because she can’t make herself understood. Other kids tease her because of her lisp. She refuses to go to speech therapy and now she’s refusing to go to school. Doesn’t she understand that going to speech therapy would help?! Well, no. She won’t understand anything rationally until her logical brain can kick in and that won’t happen until her emotional brain has been assuaged. That means describing her feelings. Name it to tame it.
Be an emotion coach. Showing kids what they can do with their feelings helps too. “You feel things really strongly Felix! That’s ok. Would you like to jump on the trampoline for a while? Yesterday when you stroked your teddy bear, that was soothing. When you’re calm we can figure out a plan.”
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